I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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