She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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