3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
