is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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