just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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