I want to make a zoo with you.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
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You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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