I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
