My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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