I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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