you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
