btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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