he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
