and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
