I am midnight drunk by noon
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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