I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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