That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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