You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
