Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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