The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
