I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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