she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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