You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
