Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
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Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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