i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
