I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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