I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
