the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
