I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
