grandma shit on top of the toilet
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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