On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
