I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
