your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
