yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
