I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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