my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Send help, water and tortillas.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
