My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
