what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
