i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Randomize
