well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
