Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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