my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
