why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
