I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
