bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
