Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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