In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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