im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
