I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
