I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
