smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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