you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
