ugly people sure do ruin things
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
