Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
