Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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