Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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