i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
