Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
