im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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