I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
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It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
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I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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