No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
