Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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