Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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